Grade: F for existential angst, A+ for beaches, A++++ for thrift stores

Okay, obviously I haven't really explored the entire Sunshine State or done any research or anything. What I'm reviewing here is a specific meaning of the word Florida. A specific pronunciation of the word, even. Here is the context: "Herb and Doris Goldblatt retiuh'd and naow they live in Flaaridahh."

I also want to quickly disclaim that I am not making fun of anyone here. I am not a snob, or if I am I'm allowed to be one because people in my family talk that way too. Okay, I am totally a snob, a snarky ungrateful bitch who is immune to the siren song of Disneyland or the logic of having towels in your bathroom that must never be used to dry anything. My family is Jewish, yes, but we do not own any ornamental towels. (This may have something to do with the fact that my mom converted).

Lori's parents (Lori, I love you, please don't be mad at me for writing this but how could I not?) live in a gated retirement community called Valencia Shores. We got lost trying to drive into it a couple of times because it's surrounded by similar retirement communities with similiar (nearly identical, really) manicured Italianate entrances, faux-stucco bungalows surrounded by lush, mammoth versions of every houseplant I've ever killed. They all have similar nonsense names, too, mostly starting with V. Verona Estates, Venera Manors, Versailles Courts. In a break with V-naming, one gold-lettered sign announced a golf and resort community called Lacuna.

Of course, all of these prefab, near-identical homes stand on what was empty space three years ago. Florida: really and truly the Land that Irony Forgot.

We have had some extraordinarily good times here in Florida, and, at the risk of sounding overcompensate-y, I have to state that Lori's parents have been incredibly nice and thoughtful hosts to us. They let us use their car and all their gear, purchased soymilk, took us out to eat twice (once at local fave Pei Wei!) and never, ever let us load the dishwasher (to the point of forcibly grabbing dishes from our hands). Everything was delicious, everything was beautiful. At the beach, the water was turquoise and clear and blood-temperature and perfect; at the pool, a nice variety of Oldies were piped in, enhancing our moods with sparkly Turtles harmonies.

I am really excited about going home.