Grade: F for existential angst, A+ for beaches, A++++ for thrift stores

Okay, obviously I haven't really explored the entire Sunshine State or done any research or anything. What I'm reviewing here is a specific meaning of the word Florida. A specific pronunciation of the word, even. Here is the context: "Herb and Doris Goldblatt retiuh'd and naow they live in Flaaridahh."

I also want to quickly disclaim that I am not making fun of anyone here. I am not a snob, or if I am I'm allowed to be one because people in my family talk that way too. Okay, I am totally a snob, a snarky ungrateful bitch who is immune to the siren song of Disneyland or the logic of having towels in your bathroom that must never be used to dry anything. My family is Jewish, yes, but we do not own any ornamental towels. (This may have something to do with the fact that my mom converted).

Lori's parents (Lori, I love you, please don't be mad at me for writing this but how could I not?) live in a gated retirement community called Valencia Shores. We got lost trying to drive into it a couple of times because it's surrounded by similar retirement communities with similiar (nearly identical, really) manicured Italianate entrances, faux-stucco bungalows surrounded by lush, mammoth versions of every houseplant I've ever killed. They all have similar nonsense names, too, mostly starting with V. Verona Estates, Venera Manors, Versailles Courts. In a break with V-naming, one gold-lettered sign announced a golf and resort community called Lacuna.

Of course, all of these prefab, near-identical homes stand on what was empty space three years ago. Florida: really and truly the Land that Irony Forgot.

We have had some extraordinarily good times here in Florida, and, at the risk of sounding overcompensate-y, I have to state that Lori's parents have been incredibly nice and thoughtful hosts to us. They let us use their car and all their gear, purchased soymilk, took us out to eat twice (once at local fave Pei Wei!) and never, ever let us load the dishwasher (to the point of forcibly grabbing dishes from our hands). Everything was delicious, everything was beautiful. At the beach, the water was turquoise and clear and blood-temperature and perfect; at the pool, a nice variety of Oldies were piped in, enhancing our moods with sparkly Turtles harmonies.

I am really excited about going home.

by emily
Grade: C+

You may be completely unsurprised to learn that the new Oxygen! network program The Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency obscenely straddles the fine line between hilarious camp (see: ANTM) and unwatchable dreck (see: The Surreal Life). If you are a fan of the elastic-faced antics of The World's First Supermodel, it might be more rewarding to buy her forthcoming book -- which she discusses at length in this hilariously stupid interview -- than to actually watch this tv show, because the production values are so crappy. For example, in all the pre-recorded segments in which the producers try to give the show a narrative arc by making Janice explain herself directly to the camera, the focus is so cottony-soft that the shot is actually blurry. Seriously -- so blurry that you'll think, "Did my contact just fall out?" Also, the Oh! audience apparently is very old and poor, because most of the advertisements are for incontinence medication, debt consolidation, and Colonial Penn insurance. This can feel degrading. It can also remind you of how inadequate your Tivo-free lifestyle is. Strike two.

But here's the thing: I will watch a tv show just because a character continually spouts hilarious malapropisms. Imagine that! Here are the peak moments of last night's episodes (at least, those that I managed to watch before Henry's pleading that we watch anything, anything, even Rachel Ray but just please not this finally had an effect).

*Janice instructs the nervous models to take some "inhale/outhales."
* "I am so thrilled that you're from The Sudan, because Africa is my favorite place in the whole world."
* "I have two words for people who don't want to work with me. Out!"
* "Are we in agreeance?"

I also really liked the teaser before commercial break that went like this.
VO: "But before the Agency can even open for business, Janice must confront some profound challenges . . ."
(clip of Janice shouting): "YOUR FINGERS NEED BUFFING!"
VO: " . . . that will change everything."

Oh, fuck it, let's keep watching it. Are we in agreeance?