By emily

GRADE: not good

Here’s the question: do we want to dilly-dally around with Canadianness, or just go ahead and start a moon colony? Maybe we can get Lance Bass to fund it, and then once we’re out of the earth’s atmosphere we can jettison him into the cold, dark vastness of outer space. Or: maybe the coastal regions of America should just go ahead and secede from that horrible middle part. Sure, we’d get our asses kicked by the south and midwest in the inevitable ensuing civil war, but maybe we could somehow join forces with Canada/Mexico and then the red states would be barricaded in, with no access to supplies. And then we would starve them until they surrendered. It would probably take a while because don’t those people all weigh like 800 pounds?

Despite the mad-maxy fun of all these scenarios, I think the most likely one is that we will all continue to experience the scary future here, and that it will suuuuuuuuck in all kinds of ways.

What the fuck, America? What the fuck, The Future? Where is my robot car? Where is my flying skateboard? Where is my government-mandated daily happy pill? Instead all we have is the totalitarian regime part. Can we at least have the cool silvery costumes?

UPDATE: for those seeking vaguely realistic or at least fact-based options re: renouncing your citizenship, you might as well check out this article.

ANOTHER UPDATE: In the interest of balanced pseudo-journalism and, you know, sanity, I recommend that you incorporate a healthy dose of these Top Ten Reasons Not To Move to Canada into your worldview, too.