By B

GRADE: B+

We really try to avoid politics here at the Universal Review, because, ew, who cares? But everyone seems to be really riled up about the election that is supposedly taking place next Friday! All the fags from Friendster are totally getting involved, and, as you know, I never met a bandwagon that I didn’t like. I even once went to a Howard Dean rally because my then-boyfriend told me everyone else was doing it. How embarrassing. Those Friendster types really know how to pick a loser, huh?

Anyway, when Hurricane James informed me that all of Brooklyn was heading to Pennsylvania to be all civic-minded and politically active and everything, I immediately asked him if there was going to be a hot gay singles scene. He said yes, so I of course I was totally there. And was he ever right! When we arrived in Allentown, PA, all the regulars from Metropolitan were milling about on the streetcorners, looking dyspeptic and half-drunk as usual as they chain smoked and handed out John Kerry flyers. Of course you can be sure that that guy with the big nose was there. You know who I’m talking about! You have seen him everywhere too! Did he also Friendster message you, back in the heyday of April/May’03? I bet he did!

(Confidential to my boo: you know I love you, baby. I would never go to Pennsylvania looking to hook up with politically minded gays.)

Anyway, the activism part of the trip was sort of a drag. If I had known it would involve so much walking around I would never have gone. At least I would have worn better shoes. Basically our job was to trudge around, door to door, and remind the beleaguered citizens of Pennsylvania that there is, in fact, an election on Wednesday. Most people had already heard this news, although several ladies in sweatpants aggressively announced things like, WE DON’T VOTE IN THIS FAMILY. I told them that that’s fine too. I am not someone who criticizes anyone else’s lifestyle choice. People in houses of gay anal sodomy should not throw stones.

None of the people we had to bug got too sassy with us, but no one wanted to give us our propers for caring about their vote, either. I was expecting people to really appreciate that we had come all the way to boring, provincial Allentown from exciting New York City just because we care about Pennsylvanians. Unfortunately, none of the people that we were reaching out to seemed to make the connection. Mostly we got a lot of blank stares. James had it a little better than I did, because his canvassing partner was a sexy young lady with a beautiful, velvety speaking voice. Of course people wanted to listen to her lecture them about civics! My partner was the considerably more skittish Bobo, and much as I love him, I don’t think the sight of two giggling faggots on the doorstep encouraged any potential swing voters to suffer through our spiel.

I thanked God when the canvassing was finally over. There was more work to be done, but, instead, James and I went to the mall while everyone else was hard at work. Some things are just important. After we had shopped for a bit and gone to the food court, we went and sat in an empty parking lot, in Bobo’s sister’s Saab. We hadn't been there for 5 minutes when some really scary male hooker tried to climb in through the window in order to give James a hug! I am not joking. We had a time.

But the next day was more of a let down. We mostly sat around in the local steelworkers’ union because the official activist headquarters burned to the ground (for real) and the people in charge kept telling us they were going to give us something to do and then they didn’t. It was okay, because we didn't have to walk around, but not great.

That said, I am more than confident that I have made a difference in this election. If I managed to convince just one person to head to the polls this November 12th and cast his or her vote for Al Gore for President, I will consider it a job well done. For this reason, I am giving ACTIVISM a solid B+. As an activist, I give myself an A+. I could not be prouder.