By Emily
GRADE: C-

I am sorry to have to give pregnant ladies such a low grade, but there it is. It’s not really anything they do that upsets me (other than the occasional eye-contact guilt trip for not giving up my hard-won subway seat), it’s just that, frankly, they creep me out. I mean, they are walking around while slowly growing a little being inside their bodies. There are two ways of looking at this: way one is, awww, the precious miracle of life, how beautiful and mysterious. Way two is like in the Alien movies. Aieeee!

The ickiest part of procreation is that it has become a fad. All the weekly gossip magazines are currently focusing way too much of their coverage on baby joy, which comes in three flavors: 1. speculative (“Is Britney/Whitney Houston/some Reality star you’ve never heard of/ Jennifer Aniston Pregnant?”) 2. illustrative (“Liv Tyler’s Bump Takes Fashion Week By Storm!”) and 3.recuperative (“Debra Messing Finally Loses The Baby Weight”) I know I speak for everyone when I say that I doooooooon’t caaaaaaaaare. I mean, I care if someone is ruining their life by getting pregnant (like, if Paris Hilton was pregnant, that would be sort of awesome, but I think that she probably just lays eggs owing to the fact that she is a praying mantis). Or if it’s Cathy Zeta-Jones and she’s pregnant, smoking, topless, on a yacht. But if it’s just some random celebrity’s distended tummy on display, count me out. Looking at these magazines is now more than ever a big fat reminder that human civilization has not really progressed since fertility-idol-worshipping days.

Even creepier than pregnant ladies, however, are the ladies who are totally obsessed with trying to get pregnant. I feel sympathy for these ladies because I am not oblivious to the fact that I might eventually be one of them. But even if I am, chances are that I will not have a blog about it.

I don’t even want to think about what this review has done to my reproductive karma. On the bright side, maybe it will save me some $ on condoms?