By B
Grade: A

You may be wondering why the NBC network has been playing the terrifying fantasy film of WILLOW so constantly for the past few days. Well you have been confused. I know it is easy to get mixed up, but the springy little creatures you have been seeing on your television screen have nothing to do with Willow at all! Pay attention to details, readers. They are the Women's Olympic Gymnastics Team! With a little observation, you would have been tipped off by the generous amounts of sparkle eyeshadow and sparkle hair gel that the little gnomes wear. In my memory, Willow did not wear any sparkles at all. For this year’s American Lady Gymnast team, on the other hand, the glitter on the competitors’ faces is almost as blinding as the spangles on their tacky leotards. (Although in the Olympics of gaudy lavendar dazzle, no one can compete with the Eastern Europeans!)

You can’t blame our gals for slathering on the glitter products. Um, maybe it is like war paint or something to frighten the enemy? It certainly makes me frightened… and fascinated. Maybe, as James has suggested, this year’s twirlers are just trying to make up for the fact that they don’t have the magical more-than-skin-deep sparkle of DOMINIQUE DAWES, LITTLE KERRY STRUG, and the rest of the 1996 MAG SEVEN.

In the end, though, I think that the real reason for the glitter is that we are dealing with teenage girls here. I mean, I guess they are teenagers. They are, right? But are they twelve? Or are they nineteen? Who knows! They all look like unholy crosses between toddlers and old ladies, but with glitter! That is where the real fascination with gymnastics lies. Yes, the cartwheels and pirouettes are pretty awesome, but what I really enjoy about the spectacle is the opportunity to watch some of the world’s most freakish people trot around like show ponies. They are funny little Peter Pan-ettes and that is great. Their life seems so cozy. Don’t you kind of wish you were one of them? How nice it would be, after you fell off the parallel bars onto your head, to hear seven little chipmunk voices cheering you on despite your humiliating failure! GOOD JOB COURTNEY M! YOU GAVE IT YOUR BEST! And then everyone would go back to the dorm and have a pajama party and apply more glitter and do handsprings. It sounds better than my life, that’s for sure. (The only thing is I bet that when they mess up on the balance beam et cetera, their mothers won’t let them eat for a week. And if you are a Chinese gymnast you get sent to Chinese prison and are never heard from again.)

In conclusion: Gymnasts get an A for being weird, for doing it on TV, and for doing it for the personal entertainment of regular folks like you and me. Also because I can’t resist shiny things. I am like a magpie.