By emily

GRADE: D-

Mister, I am sorry if I’m shattering your dreams of rockstardom here, but you fucking suck. Even if you had some modicum of talent, being forced to listen to your loud singing and strumming before 9 am would still be very annoying, especially to those of us whose Mommies and Daddies haven’t gotten around to buying us an ipod. But you don’t have any talent. In fact, you always sing off-key. You can't even remember the words to the songs, even though you sing the same songs every day! And speaking of which, why must you sing the same songs every day? My life feels Groundhog-Dayish enough without having to listen to your shitty rendition of ‘Creep’ at the same time every morning. You also do a lousy ‘Losing My Religion’ on a regular basis, and then you close out your set with a craptastic “There is A Light That Never Goes Out” that never fails to make me wish that a double-decker bus would just go ahead and crash into you. And today you were singing – I hesitate to call it that, since you were basically just reciting the lyrics in an atonal drone because you couldn’t hit the high notes -- ‘In Your Eyes.’ Your version of the chorus was like “All my instincts . . . they return . . . the ground feels hard . . . Sassoon will burn . . .” Why not attempt something an easier song, something that would be a better fit with your skill set. Maybe something by John Cage, hahahaha. I would totally flip you a quarter for that.