By emily

GRADE: A

Clothing ads almost always feature hot, seminude models who look as if they have just finished or are just about to start having sex. But usually it’s super-obvious that a huge team of stylists, makeup artists, and photographers with silly names like “Rolf” and “LeToi” worked very hard all day and went through like 200 aerosol cans of Evian and a metric ton of expertly smudged black eyeliner to nail that freshly-fucked look. Not so the ads for American Apparel. In these, it looks like the photographer had sex with the model, waited a sec for her to throw her skimpy cotton undergarments back on, and then took the pictures. This may actually be the case, judging from the recent wacky Jane expose of priapic company founder Dov Charney, who says he personally knows (“knows”?) all the American Apparel models. Well, I’m not sure whether or not I want to expose myself to the lusts of the muttonchopped Mr. Charney, but I would like to be an American Apparel model. I’m just putting it out there. I would like to be the new face (or, more realistically, the new ass) of American Apparel. In this spokesmodel position, my sole responsibility would be to wear an all-AA wardrobe and occasionally be photographed in it. I would be happy forever.

On to the review: if you enjoy wearing thin, comfortable cotton garments in a wide array of flattering shapes and colors, and you’re not a fan of sweatshops or that weird Gap smell, you will like this store. We here at the Universal Review are a veritable fashion show of American ensembles. B's healthy sunburnt glow is accentuated by their men’s polo in a delicate shade of pink. I enjoy sporting their booty shorts in my fourth-grade favorite colors, hot pink and black, and their racerback tank top in light blue. If you, like us, are lucky enough to live in the big terrorism bullseye that is NYC, you can go to one of four American Apparel retail outlets. The salespeople are solicitous, stoned-seeming, and super foxy. Maybe if you’re really nice they’ll follow you into the dressing room and take some snapshots. What could be more American?