By Guest Reviewer Rachel

Grades: A for Home Depot, C for Giant, D for Ikea: Average: B-

OOOHHH! The self checkout is a harsh mistress! How I love her and hate her! Our first meeting was at my local Giant Food store (Have you noticed that Giant has changed its logo from the big red Gothic "G" to the weird 70s-style G in the rectangle? What's up with that?) in good old Silver Spring, MD. What joy! What fun! It had been awhile since I had heard that melodic scanner beep and here I was, getting it without having to slave away in some degrading retail position. (Editor’s note: I agree that the beep is enticing. But don’t self checkout machines seem like a harbinger of the scary totally automated future? Not that I will miss my fake, awkward interactions with the checkout people. Except, I will miss the girls at Duane Reade who are always laughing and saying dirty comments about their manager.)

Now, if you’ve seen people using these things I bet you’ve wondered the same thing I did: what is preventing everyone from stealing? The short answer is: nothing. They TELL you that there are secret cameras watching the checkout so that, if something is amiss, an employee will step in. But is anybody really watching? Is anyone really stopping me from ringing up a big bag of avocados as Idaho potatoes? No, they are not. At least I don't think they are. I'm certainly not going to try it. My shoplifting days ended in the lingerie department at Hechts. (editor’s note: Rachel, did you steal those silicone outplant things there? Remember when you brought them over to B's house and we all took turns walking around with Peg Bundy cleavage? If you still have them, can I borrow them for my dead-Adriana costume next Halloween?)

My next encounter with this fiendish vixen was at Home Depot where things ran very smoothly for me, but not for the other patrons. Plus side:unlike at Giant there is always someone there to help out.

Next stop Ikea. Now the Ikea setup in College Park is a little
different. There is one self-checkout area with four registers. There is also a monitor there; two, actually. One who seemed to be a boss of some kind who just sat in front of a monitor, and another who reminded me of the awkward teenage character on The Simpsons and did all the running around. Having observed him having to do all the work for half the people in self-checkout and also having to do a price check for me for some blinds that should have been on sale, I can state for a fact that he was definitely doing the work of four people. So although Ikea is saving some bucks, the unlucky employee who works that position pays the ultimate price. When my blinds didn't ring up correctly I felt like an ass wasting the register just standing there and gave it up, so I had to eventually get back in a regular line which took another twenty minutes. But the scanner is so much fun! Beep! Beep! Beep!