By emily

Grade: A-

This chamomile tea is awesome. I think it might just be the best I’ve ever had. And not only is it tasty, it’s free of GMOs, whatever the fuck they are. So is the incense that I’m currently burning, which is handmade from a blend of pure, natural essential oils. Yes, I’m burning incense. Actually, according to the package, I’m doing so much more: I’m “participating in a centuries-old tradition that uses the aromatic properties of medicinal herbs to promote relaxation and quiet the mind.” I’m thinking about cracking open a soy yogurt. Yeah, I feel like somebody’s tunic-wearing weird hippie aunt -- but it feels great! In fact, it feels . . . healthy.

The only downside of living a block away from Greenpoint's superb health food store is that I am tending to give them about 85% of my paycheck. More than once I’ve contemplated taking a part-time job there, for the free groceries and also because the cashiers always look like they’re having so much fun. I admire their teenaged high spirits, even though I suspect that most of the time their giggly comments during our interactions translate to something like this:

Me: Um, it’s a debit card?
Cashier: Mm-hmm. (in Polish, to bag girl) This girl is back again? What is wrong with her?
Bag girl: (in Polish) Yeah, what is this, the third time today? Her outfit is so weird. Hey, let’s play Tori on the PA again.

I’m just irresistibly compelled to spend money there. For starters, it’s not a chain, so you don’t feel like you’re perpetuating some kind of Whole Foods-style shiny-happy-corporation fakery. And all their products are just so enticing. If I had unlimited funds and pantry space, I would probably want to purchase each and every one of them. It’s like “I will buy this bag of rice chips – it’s good for me and the future of sustainable agriculture!” or “These cookies are organic, with recycled packaging – hence, healthy.” Maybe I am an addict and I’ll have to go through some twelve-step where I renounce The Garden and have to do some sort of Super-Size-Me style rebound. Because if this gets any more intense, I might have to start doing yoga again and you know it is just one baby step from there to that sustainable-living commune in West Virginia. I think they’re also polyamorous. Maybe I should run out and get some cheez doodles.