By Emily

Grade: I give my name a solid C. Sorry, mom.

Okay, so according to this, my very own moniker has been #1 for American baby girls for eight, yes, EIGHT fucking years now. Meaning, of course, that when I am a shriveled old hag of 42, there will be a bumper crop of 22-34 year old Emilies roaming the land, riding my coattails and stealing my thunder. Thank god that by then, plastic surgery will be so deregulated that we will be able to purchase DIY botox kits from a stand by the cash register at 7-11, just like we can now with trucker speed. Still, it sucks to be so . . . common. I do like the name, of course, for its librarianish attic-poetry implications. But did there have to be four Emilies on my hall freshman year of college? B says that, if I do make a Winona Horowitz-style move towards a nom de plume, I should go for the obnoxiously meta Celebrity Gould. Hmmm. Celly for short? Lebbie? Um, no. I suppose I should just be grateful that my parents are not quite trashy enough to have gone for the rising-in-popularity EmmaLee. And SPEAKING of WHICH . . .

While looking for more stats about the upcoming onslaught of Ems, I found this amazing site with lots of pages devoted to 100% REAL RETARDED BABY NAMES SO FUNNY YOU WILL DIE. A ton of people – regular people, not just Toni “Diezel and Denim’s mommy” Braxton – have allowed pregnancy hormones to kill their last remaining brain cells:

“In a few months I'm going to be a new mom, and we know its (sic) a girl. My dh and I have been discussing names lately (we already have six children: Jack Dominick, Rose Solenne, Monroe Charlize, Ophelia Eden, Heart Scarlett, Pascal Sebastien)”

The site’s moderator expresses awe that these people managed to conceive of a) that many kids and b) that many fucked up names. I heartily second the emotion. The site also exposes a wealth of Braelynns, Ashlynns, Jessequas, etc. People, why not just go ahead and name the kid Myparentsareretardslynnnn ?

Even smart, savvy people like the parents of B are not infallible when it comes to this stuff. Okay, so out of the gate they have B(bravo!) and then Lucy (perfect name, suits her perfectly), and then they follow up with . . . Devon. It’s not so bad, I guess, when you think of it in the context of England and stuff.

On the flipside, though, we have to consider the people who have genuinely extraordinary names. I can’t mention my perfectly named friend here because she made me promise not to, but every time she introduces herself people are like “Really?” and then like “Oh my god, that’s a great name.” Email me if you are absolutely desperate to know. It’s a province in France, a bird from a poem, and a forest of thieves, all in one name. There was no way she was ever going to grow up to be boring. Still, it’s only one baby step from ‘interesting’ to Jaeden Blu or whatnot.