Troy
By bmad
Grade: B- for overall film (individual ratings to follow)
In a way, TROY is a lot like THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT. You know how in that movie, it is all about this very scary witch, but you never actually see her? Well TROY is all about Brad Pitt’s ass, but you never see it full on. It is omnipresent in the frame, but there is never a shot that includes full crack. Talk about suspenseful.
I was okay with the fact that the movie is not really about the Trojan War. I have heard that story like a thousand times and I think it is pretty unrealistic. (“Hey, let’s drag this enormous, hastily constructed wooden horse into our unbreachable city walls!”) Instead, here is the plot of the movie version of the story: There are a bunch of guys in leather miniskirts and little else. They run around. Brad Pitt shows his butt and other body parts but no crack. Everyone dies. I think there are some brief battle sequences as well, but I was playing my cell phone game during those parts and cannot comment. Don’t you love SNAKE? One time I stayed up playing SNAKE on my ancient Nokia for an entire night.
Anyway, here is the rundown on the important parts of Troy:
BRAD PITT: A+
He looks great and you see his butt a lot in profile, which is definitely superhot. But no full-on butt shot. Also you basically see his pubes— or what would be pubic hair, except that he is obviously totally shorn. It looks good. At first I was disappointed by the lack of full frontal nudity, but Emily points out that since we have all already seen BP’s penis, and since it is not that impressive, it is no big loss that it was left out. Still, that is no excuse for no butt crack shot. I was so ready for this jelly. What happened?
ERIC BANA: B
This is the guy from the incredible hulk. He has an enormous, bordering on womanly chest, which stars in one very memorable scene. I was not that into him. I think that he looks a little bit like Rob Cesternino, SURVIVOR’s resident geek, and that is not hot, no matter how good the body. But I was overruled, because everyone besides me thought he was a total fox.
ORLANDO BLOOM: C
Okay, I hate to say this, but I think I might only like Orlando when he has his long, blonde TOPSY-TURVY ™ braid. And his elf ears. In his non-Legolas guise, you realize that his face is actually sort of busted! The costume designer for Troy does not help matters by outfitting him in clunky art-teacher jewelry and flowy, turquoise dresses that look like they came from OLIVIA NEWTON JOHN’S failed KOALA BLUE clothing line. However, the one scene at the beginning where you see his naked torso (waist up) is pretty good. My jaw dropped from surprise. After all, there was no nudity in Lord of the Rings. He has clearly been making time on the Soloflex. And you will be interested to know that Orlando, like Michael Pitt, has abnormally large areolas! (Mine, by the way are very tiny.)
BRAD PITT’S SECRET INCESTUOUS UNDERAGE BOYFRIEND: C+
I don’t remember the name of the character or the actor who plays him. But he is Brad Pitt’s cousin in the movie and they are very much in love. I think the character is supposed to be about sixteen, which adds another exciting element of illicitness. This guy is not so hot, but he wears his miniskirt well. And he is having gay, incest greek-style sex with Achilles! He gets a plus for that.
A lot of the other reviews of TROY have mentioned a character named Helen of Troy and whether she is hot. Personally, I did not notice whether she was in the movie or not, but Saffron Burrows, who played Eric Bana’s wife, is beautiful as fuck. She didn’t get naked because she was a more classy type of character. She does, however, clasp her bosom a lot because she is upset about something-or-other for most of the film. And she looks very good doing it.
Troy manages to justify its length (3 hours!) by being very suspenseful. I was on the edge of my seat for practically the entire movie, waiting for the moment when we would get to see Brad’s full butt. When he died, I let out a long sigh. Because it seemed perfect! He is lying there on his side, all dead and sexy and everything, and you know you are finally going to get to see ass-crack. Like his skirt could fly up to reveal that he is not wearing underpants, and the final shot of the film would be Brad’s dead body’s perfect ass—all hard and smooth and rigor mortis-y! But no. That is not how it ended at all. I don’t even remember what the last shot was.
What is the point of suspense if there is no payoff? At least in THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT there is that scary scene where everyone dies-- which at least provides the viewer with some satisfaction, even if still no witch. In contrast, although the whole point of TROY is Brad Pitt’s butt, the last 25 minutes are wasted on some stupid subplot involving a wooden horse and everyone running around the city while it burns. Boring. If this movie had lived up to its implied promise of full rear nudity, it would have been a perfect A.