By Emily

An evaluation of a Lifestyle Choice. By emily

GRADE: D

A: Hi, how are you?
B: Great, thanks. How are you?
A: I’m fine. Really looking forward to the weekend.
B: Ha ha ha! You’ve got that right. Thank god it’s Friday.
A: I love those shoes!
B: Thanks! They’re new.
A: Well, they look great.
B: Thanks!
A: Okay, well, have a great weekend.
B: You too! Thanks! Bye now!

Regular readers of the UR are familiar with the fact that, while I work in an office, B works in his underpants in his filthy bedroom. So the task of reviewing Small Talk – as well as the task of actually engaging in Small Talk – inevitably falls to me. Well, guess what -- I HATE THIS BULLSHIT. Please don’t be offended if you’re someone who has engaged in Small Talk with me. It isn’t your fault that our culture requires us to interact as if we’re characters in an English 101 workbook exercise. But, in the future, here are some things that we can maybe try to avoid:

1. How are you?

Why fucking bother with this pointless question? In a professional situation, no one is ever going to say anything other than “Good,” or “Fine,” or “Okay.” Of course, this will be a lie at least 85% of the time. If someone asks you how you are, it’s a handy way of being able to tell that they do not give two shits about how you are.

2. Thanks!

People say thanks when they have no idea what else to say. What are we thanking each other for, the momentary fake-ass interaction that has wasted precious, un-get-back-able minutes of our lives? Um, no thanks. Also, from now on, let’s only laugh when motivated by actual mirth. Thanks!

3. I love those shoes!

Bullshit, I do not. I just have nothing of any substance to say to you. Everyone knows that when you have nothing to say to someone but it would seem weird NOT to interact with them (in the elevator for example), you can always just compliment them on their earrings or whatever. For the record, those shoes are the same boring-ass J Crew looking black whatevers that you wear all the time, except new. Woo woo.

4. Have a great weekend!

I don’t like being commanded to have a great weekend. I will have a shitty weekend if that’s what I want to do, okay? Bye now!