By Emily
Grade: A

Sweeping pronouncements about specific ethnic groups are of course Bad, but when they’re praiseful it’s okay, right? I mean, no one would get offended if I said “Those Czechs sure are industrious,” or something. Actually a lot of people I went to college with would. Thank god(dess) they’re far away from us now in some Peace Corps encampment in Guatemala, where with any luck they will be eaten by capybaras. Anyway, it’s not racist to say that Japanese girls are pretty much the zenith of human evolution. Apologies in advance to anyone who is primed to complain that I am “exoticizing” these women in the manner of Kill Bill Volume 1 or the song “China Girl” or the guy who wrote a letter to Adrian Tomine calling Hilary Chan a “hottie tottie with a naughty karate body.” I am not like any of those things. I just want to give credit where credit is due.

I used to work at a bar (Kyle: the famous, intensely glamorous "Continental," duh) near the corner of Third Avenue and 9th street. That block of 9th street, excluding the NYU dorm, is the Japanesest place in the East Village and possibly in New York, with a fancy hair salon, a coffeeshop, an omelet counter, a sushi restaurant, and a Japanese grocery store all catering to and staffed by the most adorable girls on the planet. They would always be walking by, laughing, with some sort of mysterious bubble-tea beverage in their hands, wearing a billion crazy layers that couldn’t put an ounce onto their perfectly skinny frames. I would always be envying them and trying to think of ways to be more like them. After I realized that there is no plastic surgeon in the world corrupt enough to make someone into a Japanese lady (refraining from obvious Michael Jackson joke here), I began to seek out nonsurgical ways to emulate my new role models. For your convenience I have composed a handy list of guidelines to turning Japanese in a tasteful, respectful way:

1. LOSE AS MUCH WEIGHT AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN! It’s important to make it so that your hips are the exact same width as your shoulders, and also to ensure that there is a gap between your upper thighs. Otherwise crazy thrift-store garments will just make you look like a dumpy old lady.
2. YOUR HAIR SHOULD BE PERFECTLY STRAIGHT AND ALL ONE COLOR. However, you should probably refrain from actually attempting to have haircuts you’ve seen on Japanese ladies. The reason these women’s haircuts look so cool and awesome is because these women are naturally gorgeous and cool-looking. If you, the non-Japanese girl, try to have a long, straggly mullet, you will look like an LPGA caddie. Trust me on this one.
3. SPEND A LOT OF MONEY TO LOOK LIKE YOU SHOP EXCLUSIVELY IN THE SALVO BARGAIN BIN.
One of the secrets of phenomenal Japanese-girl style is that these ladies, from what I hear, live a totally carefree existence and are funded by their rich parents. Instead of frittering away their whopping allowances on booze, drugs, and stupid clothes like American rich kids do, they buy the weirdest clothes available from obscure yet fancy designers, like Imitation of Imitation of Imitation of Christ and Heatherette. Perhaps you should follow suit, but don’t go overboard. Unless you fulfill requirements 1 and 2, you may end up looking scary.
4. REALIZE THAT WHAT LOOKS CUTE AND FLIRTATIOUS ON THEM WILL MAKE YOU LOOK LIKE A TRUCK STOP WHORE.
This is pretty much the same thing as 3. I just wanted to be extra clear. Legwarmers over heels specifically.

Anyway these rules and many more tips are going to be elaborated by my new reality makeover show, KAWAII EYE. Don’t you think this is a good idea? Would you like to host it? Cute name (“Hushi” or “Midori”) a plus.