By B

Grade: A

It’s pretty rare that I’m up before 11 o’clock in the morning. Actually, it’s pretty rare that I’m up before 2 in the afternoon. Or 3. This is both the joy and the curse of being a gentleman of leisure. Emily, on the other hand, is a high powered future editoridictator, which means that she has to punch the imaginary clock at 9 am sharp! Personally, if it were me, this would mean that I would crawl out of bed every morning at 8:45, and then slink into the office an hour late. Not Emily. She has her priorities in order. And her #1 priority is lounging around in her underpants, drinking tea, and watching THE TODAY SHOW for a good solid hour. For this, she wakes up before the sun has risen.

I am only aware of Emily’s dirty little secret because, lately, I have been pulling all-nighters in a (futile) attempt to get all my stuff in on time. There is nothing that perks me up more, when I am considering throwing in the towel and going to sleep, than hearing the cute little tinkle of the tea kettle-- followed quickly by KATIE COURIC’S trademark cackle. This means that Emily is up, and that I can join her in the kind of morning ritual that I miss out on when I actually go to sleep.

On one of these recent mornings, I was shocked to discover that Emily’s TODAY SHOW HABIT is not exactly casual. In fact, she seems to spend a large chunk of her free time speculating about the interpersonal dynamics of the characters, and fuming about their shortcomings. For the record: she “hates” Ann Curry, the icy newslady of indeterminate ethnicity, because of her tendency to pronounce the news with over-earnest sincerity. Emily also wonders why “Katie Couric is supposed to be so ‘cute.’” Because, according to Emily, Katie Couric has a mouth like “A PUCKERED ANUS.”

Most of Emily’s interest in the Today program seems to involve analyzing the internecine backstage politicking of the various characters. She has established an elaborate pecking order, in which everyone hates Katie Couric, but they think that MATT LAUER is stupid and growing uglier by the second, but they are all willing to gang up when it comes to Al Roker because even with a gastric bypass, he is still a FATTY AT HEART. It is more complicated than this, but that was about as far as I could follow the story until I started to get confused— though from what I gather, the central conflict is an ongoing battle between ANN AND KATIE, who are both, obviously, stone hearted gorgons.

Listening to Emily outline her TODAY SHOW theories, I was reminded of my lovely aunt, an award-winning hat maker who lives at the beach, and hasn’t missed an episode of ALL MY CHILDREN in thirty years. Do not get her talking about the TODAY show either. She loves it, and she, like Emily, is far more interested in the character dynamics than she is in the actual content of the show. The more I think about it, the more it seems like the TODAY SHOW (and I guess Good Morning America too, though I’ve never seen it) are the real forbears to REALITY TELEVISION. Because no one is watching for the News, or even the entertainment commentary. They are watching for the workplace intrigue. I am thinking that if the producers of the Today Show want to keep it current, they should dispense with all the interviews and stuff, have the anchors spend the show bickering, and vote someone off every episode. My first nomination: Matt Lauer. Because if housewives everywhere (not to mention my aunt) are going to be drooling over him, he should at least be cute. Am I right?

That aside, I think that Emily’s Today Show interest is really quite charming and cozy and I wish that I could be up early enough to share it with her every morning. Henry’s friend is staying on our couch tonight, and you should have heard Emily’s dismay when it occurred to her that the couch is in front of the television. Which means: NO TODAY SHOW TOMORROW. She was utterly distraught. The thought of doing her Dr. Hauschka’s routine without Katie & the gang to keep her company seemed unthinkable. Don’t tell Emily, because it is a surprise, but one of these days, we are going to get up really early, make signs on posterboard and go stand outside the studio window. KATIE, WE LOVE YOU, we will scream. Or maybe ANN CURRY even though it is a lie. Either way, we will not mention the puckered anus business. Maybe we will get on TV.