By emily

GRADE: B minus

Hey guess what: I have never seen a single Bertolucci movie. Except this one, obviously. I mean, I wouldn’t review a movie I hadn’t seen. I might say something vaguely disparaging about a movie I hadn’t seen, something that would semi-inadvertently give the impression that I had seen it, but I wouldn’t go so far as to actually write a review. Anyway, I am not a ‘cinephile’ and I did not go to film school and I’ve never seen Last Tango in Paris, even though everyone says it’s like porn.

The Dreamers is like porn too: really boring porn with hardly any fucking. It features Michael Pitt, who is famous for showing his (petite, fyi) penis in some Larry Clark movies and also for playing the Kurt Cobain-y character in Hedwig and the Angry Inch. You know, the one who looks sort of like a headshot of Leonardo Dicaprio that’s been stretched and squished until the face is a lot pudgier. Other than that the movie is unpopulated except for these two French teenagers who play a set of twins. They’re hot, I guess, except the girl has huuuuuuge areolas. It’s 1969 and Paris is torn by some sort of political unrest, which the movie doesn’t really bother to explain much about (probably because old and well-educated people already know. Well, good for them). As whatever it is rages outside, the twins and Michael Pitt wander around a cavernous apartment, trading sexual favors and bits of film trivia, often simultaneously. The results are predictably unerotic. The most memorable scene involves devirginization and subsequent fingerpainting with vag blood. Really the best thing about this movie is the apartment: the peeling gilt wallpaper, crumbling mouldings, furniture that looks like it’s been there for centuries, and so forth. It made me want to move to France, or at least to a nicer apartment.