Lately whenever I hang out with basically anyone I know we end up having a conversation about The Death of Print. One time my friend Michael and I started to have the conversation and one of us, I don’t remember which, just held up a hand and said, “Can we skip over the part where we talk about The Death of Print?” We ended up talking about it anyway, of course. More recently I had lunch with Choire and he showed me how text from a book actually looks on your iPhone, and demonstrated how un-taxing on the wrist it is to read a book on one’s iPhone in bed. Hmm! A few days later Alice and I went to a reading at the world’s most desolate Borders, the one on 57th and Park, and the sight of all the non-books — ‘In Praise of Stay At Home Moms’ by Dr. Laura Schlessinger, many shiny new biographies “written” by the stars of 80’s sitcoms and diet guides by Real Housewives of New York — stacked along the empty aisles depressed us so much that we decided we had to buy a bottle of wine before heading back to Brooklyn via the 7 train. Where, though, would we find a liquor store in that strange neighborhood? As it happens, there is an app. For that.
So now I sort of feel like, fine: bring on the digitized future of all media. I will totally buy an iPhone and use it to read everything. I have never been so into the romance of the physical periodical object anyway: on the train coming back from Maryland recently I procrastinated my way through every column inch of that day’s entire Times, and the whole time while trying to revel in the experience — which, by the way: the tone of today’s Times is often so sarcastic and snide, even or maybe especially outside its cultural coverage, I was surprised! — anyway, the whole time I was trying to love reading the on-paper paper I was actually hating the dry, dirty feeling of the newsprint on my hands.
The book-object is different, though. I do feel attached to the books I love, and I love being able to remember the physical location of a passage in their pages. I think what Harper Studio is working on, bundling ebooks and real books and audio books into one discounted package, is exactly right. Ideally you will eventually get a free ebook version when purchasing any physical book, though not vice versa, right? That would work for me. One of the reasons I hope physical books don’t disappear entirely (and I don’t think they will) is that I love browsing in a physical bookstore, a good one, not tragic Borders. I am a thousand times more likely to impulse-buy a book that I flip open to a random passage that catches my eye than I am to one-click-order the same book on Amazon. Something about the eerie destined feeling of the book flipping open to that page does it, I think.
Yesterday in Bookcourt this happened to me with Diana Athill’s memoir ‘Somewhere Towards the End,’ which is about being very old and having led an amazing life and being okay with death, which is not the kind of thing I’d typically seek out. I don’t remember why I picked it up, even — it has a plain taupe cover with a photograph of dead leaves on it. It had a pleasant heft, for a hardcover — not flimsy but its nice medium trim size made it look easy to slip in a purse. I guess it is about the size of a Sony eReader.
Anyway this is the passage I flipped to, which made me buy the book:
“An important aspect of the ebbing of sex was that other things became more interesting. Sex obliterates the individuality of young women more often than it does that of young men, because so much more of a woman than of a man is used by sex. I have tried to believe that most of this difference comes from conditioning, but can’t do so. Conditioning reinforces it, but essentially it is a matter of biological function. There is no physical reason why a man shouldn’t turn and walk away from any act of sex he performs, whereas every act of sex performed by a woman has the potential of changing her mode of being for the rest of her life. He simply triggers the existence of another human being; she has to build it out of her own physical substance, carry it inside her, bond with it whether she likes it or not — and to say that she has been freed from this by the pill is nonsense. She can prevent it, but only by drastic chemical intervention which throws her body’s natural behaviour out of gear. Having bodies designed to bear children means that many generations will have to pass before women are freed from the psychic patterns dictated by their physique, however easy it is for them to swallow a pill; and it is possible that they will never be able to achieve such psychic freedom. [ ...] Because of all this, when they are at the peak of their physical actiivty women often disappear into it, many of them discovering what kind of people they are apart from it only in middle age, some of them never. I had started to have glimpses of myself earlier than most, as a result of being deprived of marriage and child-bearing, but not with the clarity I discovered once sex had fallen right away. My atheism is an example: it became much more firmly established.”
Athill kind of reminds me of the narrator of Mating with her matter-of-fact fondness for her own ways of thinking, but she’s more confident and less sad. And of course the narrator of Mating is absolutely lost in sex. But aside from the biological determinism — those don’t seem to me to be productive terms to think in, and also the heteronormativity bugs me — I am interested in this idea of the personality freed from pernicious sexual distraction, and it makes me feel excited about getting old. If only I was already old right now, or could just become old temporarily for a few months while I finish some things.
IDK until old, old age washes over me and exposes again my prepubertal genius, call me old-fashioned; but, I’ll just be have to satisfied with getting my desire as low as possible through mutually cooperative exhaustion
{work, work, work}
Oh, BTW, atheists are not bitter & miserable people; they ROCK, man!
20 years ago, I never thought I’d reach a day when I could close the door on sex, deeming it more of a distraction than it’s worth. Kind of like my forays into French cooking… It’s just not my thing, and I should stick to paninis, omelets, guacamole – predictable, but I do them well and they make me happy every time. Sex had it’s lessons and it’s fun times (both equally memorable). But I think Diana Athill is right: other things do become more interesting…and less stressful!
And – fair enough – I will never call you “Em” in a condescending tone! Actually, I will probably never call you “Em”. It just came out..and I think it’s a very cute nickname.
Speaking of heft, you ever pick up a copy of Time Traveler’s Wife? Holy fuck is that heavy for a paperback.
But are you really looking forward to everything shriveling up? Is there joy in that as well?
Very nice passage. I have noticed at times a similar distraction, and that those (mainly women) who are “free” of it tend to accomplish great things–or rather, it is those that do great things tend to not be consumed by sex. Diana Athill’s book sounded interesting to me (I came across a review in the Guardian, though I don’t remember where I got the link), and I hope to read it in the future.
And goodness knows, practically the only conversation I have with people does have to do with the decline of newspapers. I’m just so used to the ink stains; they come with the territory.
I find biological determinism depressing as hell.
despite some drawbacks,(stained fingers,impeding others in public) there’s something so satisfying about physically holding a magazine/newspaper. maybe it’s also the,’this is mine and i can hold onto it forever.’-thing.
what will i do with all of the space that will be saved, in the future, by NOT having piles of magazines/newspapers?
i think i’d much rather have a library than a computer lab.
I knew Diana Athill back at Oxford. We used to go down to the rompus room and huff ether. One time I remember her saying, “the way I see it, if a black man don’t want to be called a nigger, a white man don’t want to be called a nigger either.” I’m sorry to use that language but those are her words and not mine, although I see no reason to disagree. Yeah, she was something else…
Oh dear.
Obviously, as a man, I hate and resent this.
You know I would have missed the heteronormativity if you had not pointed it out. Maybe I am that old fashioned, or maybe it is just too early in the morning.
I like the idea of a nice light easy to read electric book. I read a lot of books and hate the way they clutter my house. I also hate using the library since I always return things late. And the idea of reading in bed without a night light or a strained wrist: Ahhhhhh. So there you are: the ebook would work wonders for me.
But newspaperse and magazines…..what a horrible thing to imagine living without them.
I cannot imagine, for example, not having the Sunday New York Times…having it, in my house. Opening it. Looking at the pages.
And my daily newspaper…the jumble, the sudoku, the crossword (although it takes too long and so I rarely do it). I HATE the idea of that all going away. I hope not while I am alive.
It is all so depressing.
As for Athill’s perspectives on women and sex, I just find it very interesting. I don’t agree with her at all. Men just seem SO very taken up with sex on their minds all the time. Much more so than women. Just my thoughts.
Also, for me, and other women I know, I have become MORE sexual as I have gotten older, not less.
As far as “the ebbing of sex” goes….wow. Hasn’t this woman ever encountered any “dirty old men”?
I guess I just think she was wrong on all counts.
I know what you mean about flipping through books and finding passages though. If all books were ebooks, we’d be forced to rely on the publisher’s snippets to form an opinion. Not a happy thought.
That particular snippet though for me would have made me chuckle and put the book away. I think maybe Ahill “huffed” too much ether, whatever that means…..
@Chris McMann
my sentiments exactly…
DONE & GONE
heteronormativity?
oh come on
if you are one, you can speak as one
srsly
Heteronormals are the new dead white males.
Athill is well worth further exploration. Her publishing memoir Stet is excellent and dry, and Instead of a Letter should be required reading for every young woman, according to me, though I’m neither.
Oooh, soon I will effortlessly be able to switch back and forth between reading novels and doing what it is I love to do most on the Internet–peek at virtual porn. All thanks to the Death of Print. Now I can simultaneously read about the distracting aspects of sex while actually being distracted by sex. Brilliant marketing scheme! (sarcasm)
But, like all the other guys so far, I have to disagree with Athill. It might be true that women can be more consumed than men by a single sexual experience, but she forgets that men think about sex every 8 seconds. It took me approximately 10 minutes to read this post, that is because I had 75 sexual thoughts while reading it. I’m sure I could have read it faster if I had only had, say, 3 sexual thoughts.
See what I mean? Does that sound like a panic attack or what!
If only I was already old right now, or could just become old temporarily for a few months while I finish some things.
This one’s easy. Just get fat. It works exactly the same.
Yes, she is correct – women get lost in sex when it is unsatisfying – they run from one ‘relationship’ to another trying to find someone to fill her most basic need, which is to be cherished and adored. When she can’t trust a man not to simply roll over and then out the door, she cannot let her guard down or be vulnerable enough to let herself be adored. She puts walls around her heart with skepticism and sarcasm and sometimes outright hatred of men. When there is no promise of unconditional comittment, there is no trust. But in a monogamous loving marriage, sex and childbearing make a woman flourish and discover who she is. When a woman knows that the man is lifetime-committed, the fear goes away and sex becomes what it was intended to be – an act of two people becoming one, a bonding, a reveling in the flesh and spirit of a soulmate. And yes, a woman’s body is intended to bear children, so why do we rebel against that? Children are a joy and a blessing – they teach us things like patience and self-sacrifice and unconditional love that we may never otherwise learn. They are also intended to foster a deeper comittment from the husband – a comittment to leading and providing for the family. Our culture is so afraid to commit to anything or anyone, we have become so transient and anonymous that we don’t know the joy and beauty of staying and working through something and reaping the labor of our sowing and cultivating. Sex is a very powerful force that can destroy, but when used properly it builds individuals and entire civilizations. I feel sorry for Athill that she has only witnessed the ravages of sex and not its healing power.
WJay – Your definition of marriage is based upon the institution’s most traditional – and many will say archaic and chauvinistic – ideals. How do I know this? Your description places the onus upon the man to be the bread winner while it is the woman’s job to simply sit back and be loved, cared-for and adored. According to this unbalanced formula, the woman is essentially a receptacle of gifts, kisses, sweet little nothings and babies. The wife’s only assets in this type of relationship are her nurturing emotion and her body.
You fail to take into account the fact that two salaries are usually required to keep a family running these days. Unless a man is a banker or a doctor, his wife won’t typically have the luxury of being a domestic queen. In its modern context, a symbiotic marriage involves a sharing of domestic and other responsibilities – cooking, cleaning, working, going to school, day care, etc. This is the type of hard word and commitment that will keep spouses loyal and loving – but it’s not a guarantee. Since this hectic life is also stressful, a partner craving more comfort and stability might go seeking it elsewhere.
Last thing I wanted to say is: the deeply connected, mutually committed and monogamous marriage is more of a vestige these days than anything else. In a modern world where so many variations of “non-traditional” relationships and marriages are flourishing, the non-traditional relationship/marriage has in fact eclipsed and practically replaced the idealistically orthodox matrimonial conception.
One need look no further than Texas for an example of this phenomenon at work. In that state, 7-room McMansions are the norm because families today are like Brady Bunch families – e.g., a husband and wife who are on their 3rd or 5th marriages who each bring various children, step-children and other tag-alongs from their former love lives. This is a far cry from the picket-fence, 2.5 children and a dog and cat dream so often seen on ABC Family series’.
Besides the high divorce rate killing the long-reigning orthodox version of marriage, however, the stable, functional family is being outstripped by all the different newfangled incarnations of the institution that have popped up in recent years. Swinger-ism is probably the most ridiculous and (ironically) practical adaptation to matrimony. The swinger marriage tries to have its cake and eat it too by fulfilling the comforting aspects of monogamy while indulging in the forbidden freedom of extramarital affairs. But, like all sinful things, once you take away its forbidding qualities, the indulgence loses its savoring sweetness.
Probably the only legitimate thing about Swinger-ism, however, is that it attempts to solve an age-old marital dilemma – the fact that we all fantasize about cheating, and we’re not going to have our eyes plucked out for at least looking – at a time when the sacrosanctness of marriage is at its lowest. The institution of marriage is definitely evolving, an assertion which some people might take to mean it is unraveling. But let’s be honest – there were flaws in its design from the very beginning, and nobody throughout history has ever followed marriage’s tenets to the letter. The evolution of marriage is simply an attempt to rewrite the matrimonial rules to incorporate and accommodate practical lifestyles, differences and freedoms.
Remember, there was a time when two people of different races couldn’t get married and a man had to create a new church in order to divorce his wife. Yes – we are definitely evolving.
How do I know all of this: life, plus I watch a lot of tv.
Oh look, Tim’s pulling a Hal, trying to start a new discussion. But that discussion, Tim, is so boring. And we’ve sort of done something like it. Just go back and look at the “No.” comments.
I at least won’t take the bait.
Emily, let’s hear about your thoughts while walking through New York feeling insecure! We seem to love that.
I didn’t include a backlink to my blog because I’m a traffic whore. If WJay wants to argue she knows where to find me.
But I don’t try to start new discussions. I enhance, amplify, embellish, and elucidate current topics, but never commandeer or contravene them.
Unless it’s about kartoshka. Don’t get me started about kartoshka!
But wait? How did you get to Brooklyn on the 7 train, Emily??
(:
An excellent question. We walked across the Pulaski bridge to the end of Greenpoint!
AN EXCERPT ON SEX FROM SUGAR TIME, THE NEW NOVEL BY JANE ADAMS…
..“One of the things I’ve noticed about getting older is that often the anticipation
of getting your ambitions realized or your fantasies fulfilled is better than the payoff.
Or maybe it was always that way. But having sex with someone isn’t like winning an
Emmy or seeing the sun set over the Nile with Omar Shariff (back in the day, that is).
It comes with its own set of anxieties, especially when you’re not, well, young
anymore. Forget the vague worries in the back of your mind about whether your
heart can stand it—obsess over your usual issues with your naked body, which is not
what it once was—as Nora Ephron says, anything you didn’t like about your body at
35 you’ll be nostalgic for at 45. Or as my mother put it after my father died, “If I ever
sleep with a man again, it would be good if he were blind.”
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