(Uh oh, I am about to unapologetically reference an episode of Sex and the City). You know the episode of Sex and the City where Aidan is moving in with Carrie and she’s sad because she will no longer be able to indulge in her “SSBs” aka “Secret Single Behaviors” like eating a big pile of I think crackers with jelly over the sink?
This is Sex’s twisted genius in a nutshell: sure, the show is brimful of implausible details — the outfits, the limitless money and free time, the apartments, the idea that any dude tolerates Carrie’s hideous baby-voice shtick for more than ten minutes — but then it sneaks up on you with these moments of undeniable New York ladybrain-verité. I was thinking about this episode last night while walking home from the bodega carrying a bag containing a can of tuna, a bunch of dill, a single Total 2% yogurt, one lemon, and a Chocolove chocolate bar (dark chocolate and crystallized ginger flavor, but only because they were out of my favorite flavor, dark chocolate and almond and dried cherry flavor).
Since I’ve already unironically discussed a SATC plot point I might as well break another self-imposed rule and talk just very briefly about my “personal life,” which is something I try to avoid doing here as much as possible because, you know, oops. But I’m finding it impossible to write about last night’s dinner without mentioning that my boyfriend is currently living in Russia. Often people ask me how this is going (they usually talk about “the long distance thing” eg “So how is the long distance thing going?”) and I’m like “Oh god, it’s so, so terrible, you have no idea” and I’m not lying. Obviously it is terrible to miss someone all the time. And also it’s annoying to have the lifestyle of, basically, a single person — except without the exciting feeling of ‘Ooh, what might happen tonight?! Who knows?’ that is what people are talking about when they’re all “Single and lovin’ it!” on iVillage’s message boards.
But also let’s be real: there are some fun things about living by yourself and doing anything you want (with one glaring exception) 24/7, and one of them is the random, experimental, sometimes sort of gross yet oddly satisfying foods you get to eat. In this spirit, I present to you the recipe for the dinner I ate last night. I am maybe not actually suggesting you make it? I don’t know, make it if it sounds good to you! I don’t really know why I wanted to eat this — possibly I have a vitamin deficiency or something.
First course: Single Lady Tuna Delight
Ingredients:
a can of good-quality olive oil-packed tuna
a bowl
(you can stop there if you want! or, if you’re feeling fancy, add these optional toppings:)
*lemon juice or vinegar
*salt and pepper
* a sliced scallion or a diced shallot or minced fresh dill
*capers
*cornichons
Make sure you put your bowl on the floor afterwards for your cat to lick!
Course two: Warm beet salad
The proportions of this could be doubled and then it could be served as a side dish during normal social interaction. It is actually legitimately delicious.
Ingredients
8 or 9 little white and golden beets, peeled and stemmed. I used this kind of beet because it’s what came in the CSA box this month. The upside of golden beets is that they help you avoid the moment the next day when you’re like “OH MY GOD I’M DYING oh I ate beets.” But a combination of red and gold and white would be prettiest. To eat, that is.
1 tablespoon fresh minced dill
1 minced shallot
juice of 1/2 lemon
dijon mustard
salt and pepper
crumbled goat cheese (if you have some Bucheron hanging around from a dinner party that is perfect, the middle chalky part, not the gooey part near the rind).
Boil the beets in a lot of salted water for 20 minutes while gchatting about the death of publishing. (“me: after a failure day of writing it occurred to me that maybe it is ok that i’m not actually good at anything besides blog posts because in the future books will not exist anyway* Choire: that’s always been what helps me sleep at night! me: it had sort of occurred to me before but today it seems so real”) Whisk together the vinaigrette ingredients. When the beets are done — they should be fork-tender and not at all crispy– slice them thinly, then immerse them in the vinaigrette. Sprinkle a little bit of cheese on there.
Eat while watching Big Love on your computer. That was a really bizarre episode, right? NICKI. But I’m disappointed that Nicki’s “secrets” keep turning out to be things we sort of already knew. I need some secret lesbianism or incest or something. And why are they saddling poor Sarah with the clichedest teen-drama subplot ever? Other than that, though, no complaints.
*(I don’t actually believe this).
o thank god, this explains the ongoing recipes (not that there’s anything wrong with that]
A question and a comment, if you will:
Is there a reason (besides that you like them) for scallions or shallots in the majority of these recipes?
It kinda took my breath away when I first read that you didn’t believe “books will not exist anyway” and when I got to the end and traced the asterisk back to the source, I really enjoyed that flip! whew!
Sorry
double negatives and my dyslexia
anyway you know what I was trying to convey
I liked the “moments of undeniable New York ladybrain-verité” in SATC too, but I thought they got lost in the show’s self-righteousness about validating women’s nontraditional choices. Didn’t they do, like, four shows about resenting baby showers? It’s as if the mission replaced innovative storytelling. That bothered me even more than the implausible ornaments of style and leisure (which were lost on me anyway). But I’m in Utah, where that show apparently was super inspiring to women who are under a lot of pressure to conform to tradition. It’s kind of a no-no to criticize that show here.
Your beet salad looks tastier than crackers and sink.
please, NICKI just gets better and better! i cannot tell you how much i love this character, and my love has only grown in the last few episodes.
@bennett TRUE @tiny I just like those things and think nearly all foods can be improved by adding them
I always think that my life might just be one dead body away from being Desperate Housewives. Could just be me!
When I was in my Long Distance Relationship I found myself one day buying
1 avocado
1 can of tuna
1 jar peanut butter
and then Pathmark announced, “Single Lady, checkout 3″ over the PA system.
Oh boy. You need a man.
As someone who has been trying to write three different novels for about three years now, I too sometimes have those “Oh god, blog posts are really the only thing I know how to write, aren’t they?” moments. But I’m not even sure I’m all that good at blog posts. Hah. Sigh. But yeah, at least you have that going for you.
hummus/pitta/beetroot/avocado/carrot/cucumber in the summer, & heated-up hangover soup (Julia Child’s Soup Au Pistou) in the winter, Huge glass Ribena, episode Daily Show on computer, mild feeling of guilt for no reason. I just do that sh*t in front of him now.
could have written this myself, except substitute “japan” for “russia” and “penne al pesto with spinach and heaps of parmesan” + episodes of 30 Rock for your tuna/ beet thing + Big Love.
You should have given kitty a small portion in addition to the bowl. Cat’s have dignity ya know!
Things I No Longer Eat at Home:
1. Plate of cheddar, monterey jack, gouda with yellow mustard.
2. Red Vines. Lots and lots of Red Vines. (nb: these are the much more awesome West Coast version of twizzlers)
3. On cold winter night, make Jell-O but drink half of the hot, watery, syrupy-sugary liquid. Best with black cherry flavor.
4. Four or 5 Taco Bell 7-layer burritos.
5. Slim Jims.
” …because, you know, oops.”
I’ve been snortling on and off for days about the tone with attitude that comes through by this phase.
AND
The hypertext exponentially compounds the wry hilarity.
LQTM
Hello, I like your beet salad. I got very into beets recently, but I would suggest roasting instead of boiling — I feel like it keeps more of the flavor in and actually intensifies it.
@sarah You’re right, of course … do you also roast beets in little tinfoil packets with olive oil? This is the method I have always used for some reason. It makes them sweet and delicious, and you can leave the skins on and then slip them off post-roasting, saving you the fiddly trouble of skinning them pre-cooking. I think it takes about 20 minutes longer though and I was hungry.
Veggie baked beans, cottage cheese, chili powder, golden raisins, bac’n bits. Serve hot, with Ezekial toast.
sometimes it can help to listen to Greek radio…:
http://www.hellasnews-radio.com/
cheers.
Arthur.
Half a can of black beans, half a can of corn, crumbly feta if there’s not queso fresco around and there usually isn’t, topped with a shit ton of ground black pepper. With a spoon or via wheat saltines. Why am I not sick of this yet?
1 Box of Kraft Mac n Cheese (prepared according to directions)
1 can of Chicken of the Sea tuna (cheap stuff, packed in water)
1 can of peas*
Drain the tuna, drain the peas. Chuck the whole can of tuna in the mac n cheese. Chuck half the can of peas in the mac n cheese. Stir. Enjoy.
*You can use fresh or frozen, but why mix genres?
@kenwheaton
I like to surprise myself with breakfast in bed.
Happy V Day!!
1 box Kraft mac & cheese (use slightly less than 1/4 cup milk and 2 tsp butter)
2 hot dogs, cooked over your stove’s gas burner flame
Prepare mac & cheese. Cut hotdogs into chunks of an appropriate size to be dangerous to small children. Stir into macaroni. Eat out of pot.
This truly is something I have to eat in secret as my boyfriend finds it disgusting. Then again he eats kippers.
I’m not sure “avocado (preferably ripe)” qualifies as a recipe, but it was def my “meal” of choice (sometimes with tomato and/or baguette) during many years of singledom, followed up by one of those slimy carrot-cake squares in plastic wrap from the deli. (Pretty sure I kept that company going through much of the 90s!)
Oatmeal and ice cream.
MG, that sounds pretty damn good. I wonder if using vienna sausages would make it XTREME!
The other day I ate fifteen dollars worth of goat’s cheese out of a jar. At first I was putting it on tiny little crackers (the only vehicle I could find in my cupboard), but soon enough I was just scooping it out with a finger. I don’t know if this counts, seeing as I’m a dude, but my boyfriend lives in London, and I in Australia.
I secretly wish I was in a harem. And then when he was off with one of my sister wives or one of the concubines, then I could indulge in my SSB of reading Emily Magazine.
One day last summer, shortly after the SATC movie came out, I heard this from two guys talking while we working out:
“Didja see that photo of the audience at the premier of SATC? It was wall-to-wall women, and one man looking veeery sheepish. Can you believe that all women and one poor guy. Can you imagine when he saw the photo (and his friends too)..”
Hey I’ve watched both SATC and Big Love on TV since day one. Like back when SJP was young looking; but, cowardly or not, I’m forever grateful that I never went to the movie.
Don’t know why exactly, just had to drop this off.
HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY!
[...] stumbled across the recipe I intend to make for myself, this evening, for a dinner of one, at Emily Magazine yesterday afternoon. I love reading Gould because I can go to her, as I needed to yesterday, for [...]
Loved this post! I’ve actually been thinking a lot over the past few days about that particular episode, and just how true it is. I remember watching it the first time and then pronouncing the next day that “I am emotionally ready to live alone”, as I was quite comfortable in all my single ways (and this was back when I was about 16). I think your dinner looks good, and love a dish similar to Ken Wheaton’s (I substitue connellini beans for the peas, though).
Salted butter and brown sugar in equal portions make the quickest snack.
I bought those two exact chocolate bars last night. In that order. It frightens me a little that I find this exciting enough to comment.
Single lady CSA Slop:
1. take all about-to-to-off veggies from the CSA basket your bff abandoned on your doorstep before going skiing… even use the bitter leafy ones you can’t identify.
2. chop everything coarsely
3. steam/stir fry in some combo of grapeseed oil, tamari, ginger, sesame oil, maple syrup and cayenne pepper.
4. Eat directly from cast iron skillet.
5. Realize that this is why you ate out almost every night when you were married.
6. Confirm for perhaps the thousandth time that being married wasn’t all that.
7. Fill belly with the satisfaction that you’re getting your greens, supporting community agriculture (or, well, doing your part while your bff skis in utah), and not spending money on take out.
Hey Emily,
I just put them in a foil packet, actually without oil or anything, and roast them — it probably does take longer than boiling. I think once I was in a hurry though and cranked it up pretty high, like 425 and it was pretty good (although again, longer than boiling.)
Like you, I just toss them in with the skins on. I take them out and let them sit in the steamy foil packet for a bit and they are pretty easy to work with after.
I had a beet salad at James in Prospect Heights (sure you’ve been there — if not, check it out soon.) It involved really delicious golden beets. I’d love to grow my own but they are also SO CHEAP.
Re: EM’s new sub-header on the cost of honesty
Yeah, I was too often asked “Do you want to be right or happy?”
…takes what it takes…
She who tells the truth will be chased out of nine villages.
Since I’ve been stopping in:
I blog so you don’t have to
Your screeds or helpful advice can now be sent to
From this point on, it’s mostly about recipes
No one will ever love you for your honesty.
Discernable pattern?
[“screed” such a choice!]
Ken, I’m not sure! I can tell you though that the juicy burntness of hotdogs cooked over an open flame are crucial to the recipe.
This is like the quintessential example of my favorite writings of yours. Rich with details, it transports us, make us laugh, and shines a light on our own little peccadilloes that we’d probably otherwise miss (or ignore). And somehow, it’s still utterly unique to you. I love reading about your little adventures (and misadventures), and the inimitable way you share them.
Kudos, Emily. You’re a treasure.
I loved the tone and content of this post. I just wish you’d post something new because for some reason the picture makes me feel a little queasy…..
I too must begin insisting that you ROAST not boil your beets.
The best part is that then you burn your hands while peeling them so you get to take a break from self-pleasuring, thereby making your long-distance issues more traumatizing and Whartonian and exciting in some semi-neurotic fashion.
I’m not sure why this helps, instead of hinders, but trust me.
Down in deep Sotuh before they had A/C, they brains were fried, so they One day, the people of Tyler, MS got in an uproar listening to Howard Stern on the radio. They went crazy and did all they could to get his station taken off the air. Nothing they did worked. Howard and his girls rolled on.
Finally one day the Big Bear asked the good people of Tyler, MS: why when what they heard on the radio made them squeamish, why didn’t they just change the fucking channel?
Thus the good folks of Tyler, Ms learned, if they saw something on TV or heard something on the radio or on a blog they didn’t like; they were perfectly fucking free to change the channel or go to a different blog.
THE END
@Choire: But burning IS pleasuring!
Regardless, while we’re waiting for Emily to return from whatever epic self-pleasuring MUST BE keeping her from her duties at reader-pleasuring, I might as well chime in with my own boxed macaroni and cheese SSB:
First of all, any self-respecting longtime singleton gourmand (such as meself) KNOWS that the One True mac ‘n cheese mix, to be worshipped before all others, is Golden Grain, not Kraft, okay?
So: Saute a bunch of chopped onion and fresh garlic in a ton of buttah with either Indian spices (cardamom, caraway, etc.) or Penzy’s hot curry powder while you boil the macaroni. Then combine the divine cheese powder and a handful of REAL grated hunter’s cheddar with some heavy cream and the macaroni in the pan and finish with some chopped cilantro (or just dried parsley, anything for a little color) et voila!
Scarf down guiltily while watching old episodes of Fernwood 2Night that you’ve seen like, a thousand times by now for God’s sake (really should get out more!)
i think you will enjoy this:
http://www.amazon.com/Alone-Kitchen-Eggplant-Jenni-Ferrari-Adler/dp/1594489475
“The upside of golden beets is that they help you avoid the moment the next day when you’re like ‘OH MY GOD I’M DYING oh I ate beets.”
BEETURIA
Beeturia is passing of red or pink urine after eating beets. It affects 10-14% of the population. While some believe it to be an autosomal recessive trait, it has been shown that individuals differ over time in having beeturia.
The red color seen in beeturia is caused by the presence of betalain pigments passed through the body.
[I wonder if googleturia exists as a defined illness?]
Aw shucks, Avery. I really moved you didn’t I? How sweet that Emily has such a loyal, passionate fan!
I have been too lazy to figure out how to get updates automatically (I know there is some way of doing it), and so I just keep checking every so often. I admit I have become addicted to Emily’s posts.
I’m sure the tuna salad is quite good. I will be glad though when the picture is gone….(The whole thing now reminds me of how I love refried beans and a good friend can’t stand the sight of them. We don’t go out for Mexican food together….).
(…I love elipses too and some people cannot stand the sight of them either!)
…Well I’ll be damned Ms. Rebecca – you sound like you from down here too…And truthfully I was getting real sick of seeing that bright yella and white stuff on a plate…y’all take care now…I gots to go see how my cousin’s doin…