I really wanted to make myself dinner tonight but there were two problems. Problem one was, I could not in good conscience buy *anything* because I’m about to be gone for more than a week. Problem two was that there was nothing in the fridge because I just got home. My itinerary goes/went: Mexico, Maryland, Morocco, and then at some point early in the new year, back to Moscow. It’s impressive, right, all this globetrotting? Except it’s not, when you put it in its proper context of: I have basically never left the country before (well, France at 13. And, hey, Canada!) So of course all this traveling is having the expected effect of broadening my horizons and making me think all sorts of clichéd deep thoughts.
Like: People are always saying “Whoa, small world!” about different predictable flow-charty confluences that happen in New York. But the actual world is not small at all. What is small: the cohort of college-educated people ages 22-45 who live and work in New York City who didn’t grow up here but hope to continue to live here as adults. That shit is tiny. And looking up at the stars on the beach in a Mexican fishing village last week, I thought about how different New York might be if we could look up and see everything else that’s out there, sparkling right in front of our faces on a regular basis.
Anyway, this is what I ended up eating based on the contents of my fridge/larder, and it might gross you out but I was really into it.
handful (5 or 6) fingerling potatoes
1 can oil-packed Italian tuna
1/2 cup parsley, roughly chopped
capers, Niçoise or kalamata olives, anything of that nature you have in the condiments part of your fridge
1/2 shallot, finely chopped
decent-sized spoonful of dijon mustard
red wine vinegar
salt and pepper
Come home from last-minute Christmas shopping hungry and strangely frantic. Consult the to-do list you made today. The fact that you did something as uncharachteristic as making a to-do list is a bad, bad sign. Sit down for a minute at the computer to make sure everything is sort of baseline okay. An hour later, starving, get up from the computer and go put a pot of water to boil on the stove.
Also make a bowl of icewater by putting ice into water in a bowl!
When the water is boiling, gently slip three eggs in and boil them for like 12-14 minutes with the aid of the timer function on your new Timex indiglo digital watch that is exactly like the first watch you ever owned, and which will help you be on time to things like an adult and is an awesome gift for anyone you know who would appreciate a Japanese-imported plastic watch. It comes in a little neon coffin at Opening Ceremony. When you’ve removed the eggs to their ice-bath, stick the potatoes in that same boiling water. Why not? Boil them for 10 minutes or until tender but not falling apart.
While this is happening make the dressing and buy your train ticket back from Maryland. Why did you leave this til the last minute? Now everything is retardedly expensive. Well, whatever, it’s not like you would otherwise have spent that money wisely — for example, that same plastic watch sans fancy Japanese packaging and cool plastic-color is $24.99 at Target, you’ll find. Anyway, the dressing: whisk the chopped shallot, the salt and pepper, the mustard and the vinegar together, then slowly drizzle in the oil until it’s emulsified.
When the potatoes are done, remove the eggs from icebath, add more ice to it, and add the potatoes. Then drain and chop both eggs and potatoes and add them back into the bowl with the parsley, the capers, the olives, the dressing, and the can of tuna! Your cat will go to any lengths to try to eat this, so don’t set it on the floor in front of the tv while you pour yourself a glass of wine from that bottle in the fridge that you’re obligated to finish because by the time you get back into town, it will definitely have gone bad.
Serves one. Watching a Paula Deen Christmas special while eating it is optional.