Comment spam

I want to, and someone should, write a long explanatory article about comment spam.  I have no idea how it’s generated but it seems to be getting progressively more sophisticated: whereas at one time it was just gobbledygook interspersed with links to Drunk Mature Porn and Buy Cialis, it’s now gotten pretty good at pretending to be actual comments.  Sometimes my only tipoff that something is comment spam — besides the suspicious url — is its shameless sycophancy.  “You got a good way of thinking!” and “I could not agree more!” are not sentiments real commenters tend to express here.   Instead some people keep trying to make my comments an endless referendum on whether or not I’m a “good writer” and not to be tiresome but can we just stop with that please? Maybe I’m “good,” by your standards, and maybe I’m not, but if I’m not, you can probably find a blog by someone who is.  There are an awful lot of blogs. Go! Be free!

Anyway, sorry.  Comment spam!  Some comment spam nowadays is nothing short of oracular. And some of it is just brilliant in its oddness.  The really good ones remind me of a plastic Korean datebook Bennett gave me in high school whose pages were all emblazoned with a little cartoon animal whose catchphrase was “I’m very happy … because you make me fun!”  Well, exactly.

Here are two recent favorites:

Stephy Garmola | admin@[redacted] | [redacted].com | IP: [redacted]

Hello webmaster. I think you could also make more of it through a bigger exposure about \”Christmas in my intestines\”. Perhaps you can have some chocolate dipped pretzels.

(It makes it less funny to know that “Christmas in my intestines” was the title of a post. But I still love Stephy Garmola — STEPHY GARMOLA, okay?!– ’s suggestion.  Perhaps I shall!)

Tiffaney |[redacted] | IP: [redacted]

Tiffaney…

As soon as your recognize that you are able to control your thoughts happiness will come within your reach…

Well, right?

10 comments to Comment spam

  • There was an article published within the past six months in a major magazine or newspaper about spam’s increasingly sophisticated random language generation. I read, like, the first paragraph. Can’t remember the name of the article, the author, or the publication it appeared in.

    Me = helpful.

  • TC

    I’ve gotten some of that before too…it always reads like it’s been translated to Japanese in Babelfish, then back to English again.

    I liked your post really — Very it is competent!

  • owapapercut

    Stephy Garmola in my intestines with some fava beans and a nice Chianti

  • Ha, this also reminds me of the spams I’ve been getting in my gmail account, some of which are more enjoyable than any “real” e-mails. To wit, this recent missive from Lady Martha Stirling:

    “I am Lady Martha Stirling, Laird of Keir ,Recently my Doctor told me that I have limited days to live due to the cancerous problems I am suffering from,why my Husband is late Sir D. S,Chairman of Stirling & Wright General Partners, I will also issue a Letter of Authority that will empower you as an original beneficiary of this fund through my Lawyer.”

    Part of me wants to track her (him/them?) down and give $$$, just for making me laugh!

  • Jill

    I could not agree more!

  • emily

    @Evil Beet: I laughed so hard I cried, especially the part where the spammer had to rethink his commitment to child porn.

  • diane

    You could always turn the comments off.

  • Jill stole my joke so now I have nothing to say.

    I don’t get as many comments as you do, so I still get this little burst of false joy when I see one of these comment spams come through. I’m at the point where even inane praise is welcome, so I think, “Some slow, inarticulate person likes me!” and experience a brief moment of creative validation.

    Then I see the spam URL and realize even slow, inane people have stopped reading me.

  • I just received a Stephanie Garmola spam comment in which she said I was “on the thin side of thinling”.
    WTF?
    Who is this person? And what makes her think I would ever try her chocolate?

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