is bad. That said, I am very happy to possess these things:
1) Converse All Star Lights
One of the saddest things about the end of summer is that it means I’ll have to put the two-year-old, worn-paperthin, metallic blue Havianas flip flops I’ve been wearing every single day back in the closet and go back to wearing actual shoes. Good thing I discovered the best. shoes. ever. I’ve owned a lot of different pairs of Converse All Stars aka Chucks since I got my first lemon-yellow pair in seventh grade, when it was considered cool to have your friends draw and write all over the white parts in ballpoint pen, usually about how sad they were that Kurt Cobain died. I still find something very charming about these flat, old-fashioned sneakers. And now, whatever big conglomerate scandalously bought the Chuck Taylor brand a few years back has come out with an upgraded version of the classic! The chuck lite is sleeker and more streamlined and has better arch support (!) and looks cuter on the foot, especially when worn without socks, with a skirt. They come in really cool neon colors in addition to basic black and white, but I got them in robin’s egg blue.
2)The Wordlock
Speaking of middle school, one of the most terrifying things about starting sixth grade was being in charge, several times a day, of remembering a combination of numbers in order to have access to the contents of my locker. If only they’d had this genius invention back then! Probably school officials would have banned them for being too much fun, especially since it has got to be possible to spell something obscene. I haven’t actually tried, though. What kind of loser would engage in that kind of sub-Boggle timewasting? Ha! Maybe when I fall down a well with only my Wordlock for amusement.
(five minutes elapse)
Ok, you can make the Wordlock spell “acunt.”
I totally bought those lites in “neon red/dazzling blue”… how awesome, thanks for the tip.
FYI for others looking for them, there are the most sizes/colors available at zappos. woo.
Wow, are these chuck lite’s for real? If so, the big conglomerate that acquired the Chuck Taylor brand has gone back in time and retroactively destroyed my past. I owned a red pair of Taylor’s in the fourth grade which were etched with the singnatures of every popular kid at my elementary school. They were carefully placed in a safety deposit box–a time capsule–and my reputation was expected to acrue a million percent interest when it was unearthed. So much for my legacy. If they ever dig up my cool shoes (I heard the location of the capsule has been forgotten) all people will say is, “What a lame pair of shoes.” Then everybody will lift up their legs and say, “This guy couldn’t have been cool since he didn’t have Chuck Lites.” My prehistoric “coolness” will seem…prehistoric. And that’s just my anger. The original Chuck Taylor must be rolling in his grave.
Emily, I hope you continue to have panic attacks and continue to need therapy. That’s what you get for being a blood-sucking leech on society. I hope someone makes a website about stalking you. And then I hope someone actually stalks you for the rest of your life.
I wonder if that was the real Jimmy Kimmel….
If so, maybe he should get some therapy!
I think the “Kimmel” post is another iteration of Better’s fuming (see astrology post).